How did you get here?
In the words of Deborah Cox,
How did you get here? Nobody's supposed to be here.
It's been over three years since I found my home at Told By Ter**. What started as a lifestyle blog quickly turned into another online journal. And that was ok... After all, my blogging hobby started with online journals. During that transition, I never unlinked my blog from my social media accounts, and that's where the problems started.
My marriage has ended. After years of arguing, fighting, and thinking we were doing what was best of the kids by keeping a two-parent home, we decided to call it quits. It was touch and go for a while...wasn't sure I was doing the right thing... Trying to explain to the kids that mommy and daddy aren't together anymore... Coping with being alone since I've never been on my own. The last couple of years of therapy has brought some clarity. I can, honestly, say that I am doing somewhat better.
The ex-husband struggles more than I do. He often questions what he did wrong. I'll admit that I haven't been the easiest person to talk to, which is why he felt the need to go looking for answers. (Closure and shit, I guess.) That led him to the link that I never removed from my IG profile, and he ended up with hurt feelings. Ever since, I haven't felt like it was safe to talk about my feelings over there. Every time I logged in to write something, I felt like...maybe I needed to censor myself. I hated that feeling, so here we are.
At the end of it all, I need my space. I enjoy blogging. I enjoy sharing my life, but I'm tired of censoring myself to protect the feelings of other people. Part of this new journey is learning who I am and deciding who I want to be going forward. I no longer want to be the person who goes out of her way to make everyone else comfortable. Maybe I'll stay here, maybe I'll go back to TBT. As with anything, time will tell.
Hey Tarin,
I\'m not even going to try to explain all the ways I empathize with this post, but know that I do and it pains me to know someone else continuously has the painful thoughts I do. I don\'t know if it\'s easier that my husband isn\'t Em\'s dad and that she still has her dads fmaily, or if that makes it even worse as D has been her \"daddy\" since we married when she was 2. However, I can commend him for still wanting to be in her life as a parent regardless, but knowing how hard I fought to try to save someone who didn\'t want to be saved at the time is so hard to still think about seeing that person every day.
I don\'t know if it gets easier, and I also am not the easiest person to be around sometimes either, but I do know that when you are living life to please others it really effs you up.
I feel more at peace even if things are still stressful, and it\'s strange that in some ways my life is more difficult and \"stressful\" than it used to be yet I am getting to a better place within myself despite it all. It seems you are too and thats amazing! I am so happy you stumbled upon my blog. I hope you have an amazing holiday week despite all the struggles you have right now <3
Blessings to you!
Shanae
I COMPLETELY understand. I want to reach a space mentally & emotionally where I won\'t even care who sees my website. I\'ve never really been one to censor myself, however. My main issue is that I have to deal with whatever bs comes after people read my thoughts. I take an \"I don\'t care\" approach with that. more than ever now, though. I\'m entitled to feel the way that I feel. How a person feels about it doesn\'t change my feelings & I shouldn\'t feel like I need to not be expressive because someone else doesn\'t like it.